my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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