in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
