come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
