If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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