but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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