Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
