He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
