He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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