Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
