in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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