guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
