zippers are such a cool invention
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
