I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
