so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
