Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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