I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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