If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
