I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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