The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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