Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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