If i could tip my vagina, i would.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
As shirtless as possible
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This is my gift to your gina
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
