I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
