I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He better not be in your backpack
They took my balls.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
