FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
