People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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