Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
