dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just want nice things and good sex
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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