Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
