The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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