If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
