I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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