If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
