you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
