He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
