Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
