he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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