I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
