Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
