My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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