If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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