Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
