youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
