I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
