remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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