Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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