Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
