I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
