My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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