Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
