I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
