Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
