mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
