i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
