I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
