We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
