She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
